


The Rotten boy

by Versolite



Category: The Walking Dead: World Beyond (TV 2020)
Genre: Anger, Childhood Trauma, Gen, Guilt, Murder, Psychological Trauma, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-19
Updated: 2021-01-19
Packaged: 2021-03-18 06:14:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 962
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28862376
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Versolite/pseuds/Versolite
Summary: [Set during episode 8 of season 1]"It is cold. My cheeks are freezing, I think my lips are drying, and the swing post is pressing down on my back. I’ll probably be in pain for a good part of the night. I probably won’t sleep, or not for long. But I've earned it.In fact, I probably deserve worse. Much worse than that."
Kudos: 3





	The Rotten boy

I know they don't believe me.

I know it, because I saw the body as soon as I came out of the closet. I looked at my hands. It was a reflex, I was scared. But I think everyone noticed.

I tried to explain them what happened. I know it’s crazy. Worse than that, it looks like I’m lying. Maybe I am. Maybe I just don’t know what is wrong with me anymore. Maybe deep down I remember everything. I saw them glance, at each other and at me. Huck and Felix spoke to me calmly, in that kind of voice sounding too professional to hide the truth.

I knew it was over, so I followed them outside and didn't make any more fuss.

They don’t trust me anymore.

I can't blame them, I don't believe in what I'm saying myself. Who knows if I’m not even more rotten than I thought I was, huh? I can't even control my hands when I get in that state. I can't hold anything back. It happens, and I’m just watching. I hit, hit, and eventually I go numb. I have nothing left in my head, no thoughts, just fatigue and the body that moves less and less on the floor in front of me. After a while, I get aware that I’m calming down, because I'm slowly starting to get scared. I pull myself together when it's too late. Part of me probably wait for that moment, to make sure there’s nothing to save.

So why wouldn’t I have memory problems too...? If... if I already have that, maybe... I'm not a doctor. But it's probably a logical extension of the symptoms. First you have crisis, and then you forget everything you’ve done.

One day I'll be completely out of control and I won't care about anything anymore. I won't care about the consequences. One day I will have no more life, emotions, remorse and coherent thoughts than a walker. I think about Elton, I think about Iris, even Hope, and I know I'd like to face the eventuality calmly, but I can't. I'm not able to. They're stronger for that. I just... I just can't bring myself to the idea that everything is this monstrous, and that I'm even more horrible than I thought I was. My throat tightens and I think I'm going to cry, but I don’t. I just stand on the edge of the thought, my eyes almost watery, my jaw tight.

I feel like I can't even cry, like I'm not allowed to. Everything feels like it’s always taken away from me.

It is cold. My cheeks are freezing, I think my lips are drying, and the swing post is pressing down on my back. I’ll probably be in pain for a good part of the night. I probably won’t sleep, or not for long. But I've earned it.

In fact, I probably deserve worse. Much worse than that.

They should make me pay, instead of just putting me here. They don't understand that I’m way worse than they imagine. They saw me once beat the crap out of that walker and take it out on Elton, and now Tony and Percy, and they pretend everything is fine. They must be too nice, or they don't see what's going on. Yeah, they don't see anything. It almost makes me want to laugh. I don't know if I'm still okay, or if all that crap has finally gotten to me, but I've got to deal with it. I’m not okay with what’s happening. They can't just leave me like this, whether they think I'm too dangerous or not dangerous enough. Either they kill me, or they set me free and I'll leave. I can't be in between. I can't be in the middle.

They have to get the fucking truth out in the open. Somebody finally say it. Yell at me, please, fucking yell at me. Tell me once and for all, so I'll know for sure. I'm a monster. I'm a fucking monster, and you all actually regret bringing me here. Just say it. Say it, please say it. Stop lying to me. I swear it won't hurt me. Just say it.

Or maybe they feel bad. Maybe they think it's not my fault, that my father is the problem. But my father's dead. My father died at my hands, and you can’t put this on him forever. If they set me fre again, I'll take over and I'll hurt everyone and I'll never stop.

Nothing ever stops the walkers. Nothing stands in their way until they are killed; they just manage to keep going. They keep going and devour everything in their path, until there is nothing left and the world dies.

_I thought the reason we had walls was to keep_ _the_ _monsters out._

I think I'll never know this girl's name. She probably knew mine back then. Hopefully she's forgotten it. I shouldn't leave a mark. I'm not worth terrorizing people. I just want to die in silence, far from everything. My eyes closed, and music in my ears. And be forgotten.

I never thought a complete stranger could be so right. They say you shouldn’t judge people by looks and rumors. They say that there is good in everyone, and that everyone can be saved. That everyone has the right to a second chance. Maybe these are just stories to help people like me sleep. Or maybe I'm just broken and I've run out of chances.

Because of the way Iris treated me, I thought it was true. That I could get better. But I was actually lying to myself. I should have faced it.

I was rotten long before I landed in this campus.


End file.
